Guiding with the Parenting Pyramid

I have studied the Arbinger Company’s Parenting Pyramid several times over the past few years. Each time, I am reminded of the simplicity of its principles and the order of operation for establishing effective parenting relationships. For those unfamiliar with the Pyramid, it is constructed similarly to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs pyramid: the base consists of the most fundamental needs and builds from there. With the Parenting Pyramid, the first two levels have nothing directly to do with children. In fact, teaching and correcting, two actions you would think would make up the main part of parenting, are at the very top. Let’s explore more about why this is.

Arbinger’s Parenting Pyramid

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

In the National Extension Parent Education Model, one of the six critical parenting practices is to guide (JRank, 2023). You would think that guiding would be all about teaching and correcting, but in order to do that effectively, the lower levels of the Parenting Pyramid have to be in place. If they are, you will be spending less time in the upper levels.

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The first level is “Personal Way of Being.” How do we see ourselves and others? Are we intentional and doing things for the right reasons, or more concerned about what others think? The Arbinger Institute (formerly the Arbinger Company) strives to educate people on how to establish a healthy, accurate way of being. The books Anatomy of Peace (2006) and Leadership and Self-Deception (2000) have both taught me how to see people as individuals with feelings and needs, not objects to be acted upon. How do we see our children? If our personal way of being is aligned correctly, we will see them as children of God with eternal potential. 

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The second level of the pyramid is the husband/wife relationship. What does this have to do with parenting? Dr. Gary and Barb Rosberg (2006) wrote, “When the parental team breaks down, children become the biggest losers. They lose their family, which is where they build their sense of security. When children don’t feel secure, their whole world seems to unravel. No amount of baseball, dance, piano lessons or toys can make up for that kind of loss.” Having a strong relationship with your spouse brings unity. Even if you aren’t on the same page with parenting styles, if your relationship is strong, you can communicate and find solutions without causing confusion and pulling the child into the tension.

The next level is the parent/child relationship. Do you enjoy being with your child? What actions are you taking to establish a relationship. Planning activities and time together where you aren’t scolding, correcting, nagging, lecturing, etc., but just being together, talking, playing, and doing things that bring connection. These activities build trust and confidence in the relationship, so when you get to the next levels, the foundation is established and teaching and correcting will be much more effective.

Teaching children self-governance is the key to having correction be the tiny pinnacle at the topof the pyramid. When children are taught morals, responsibilities, expectations, and other principles, parents will spend less time correcting. Teaching will be better received when the level below (parent/child relationship) is well-established. 

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Finally, we are at the top of the pyramid: correction. The Arbinger Company teaches about two types of questions. We can ask, “What should I do, now that something has gone wrong?”, but a more correct question would be, “How do I help things go right?”(Arbinger Company, 1998).  If we spend more time focused on the second question, as the article on Parenting Pyramid suggests, we will be more effective and efficient in our parenting. This article from Brigham Young University McKay School of Education offers several tips to help parents learn how to teach and correct in a loving manner. 

The parental role of guiding is more easily understood and implemented when seen through the lens of the Parenting Pyramid. The enlightening aspect of this model is that if you are struggling at one level in the pyramid, the solution is in the next level down. Are you struggling in your your relationship with your spouse? Check out your personal way of being. Are you spending a lot of time correcting? What are you doing to teach your kids? Is teaching going in one ear and out the other? Work to strengthen your relationship with your child. Guiding our children will help them grow into productive, stable adults, and we will love each other along the journey.

References

JRank Organization. (2023). Parenting education: the national model of parenting education. Marriage and Family Encyclopedia. https://family.jrank.org/pages/1247/Parenting-Education-National-Model-Parenting-Education.html

McKay School of Education. (2023). Helping children correct their mistakes. Brigham Young University. https://education.byu.edu/youcandothis/helping_children_correct_mistakes.htm

Rosberg, G. & B. (2006). Putting your spouse before your kids. Focus on the Family. https://www.focusonthefamily.ca/content/putting-your-spouse-before-your-kids

The Arbinger Company. (1998) The parenting pyramid. Brigham Young University-Idaho. https://content.byui.edu/file/91e7c911-20c5-4b9f-b8fc-9e4b1b37b6fc/1/Parenting_Pyramid_article.pdf

Emotional Nurturing

In my previous blog, I discussed the National Extension Parent Education Model and the first topic of that model, self care. Another tenet of NEPEM is to nurture (JRank, 2023). Noah Webster’s 1828 Dictionary defines nurtures as “that which promotes growth; education; instruction.”When I think of nurturing, I think of a gardener in a greenhouse gently tilling the soil around his tender plants, fertilizing, pruning, and rejoicing in the growth that is happening. He is mindful of pests and nutrient deficiencies well before they become a problem to the health of the plants. Likewise, parents are essential in the growth and development of their children.

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Just like a gardener responds to the needs of his plants, parents should be aware of the needs of their children. Physical needs are the most apparent, but it is just as important to a child’s development to have their emotional needs met. One way to do this is through emotion coaching. 

Emotion coaching is defined as “the practice of tuning into children’s feelings, and helping kids learn to cope with — and self-regulate — negative emotions like fear, anger, and sadness” (Dewar, 2018). You might have grown up hearing, “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about,” or “Shake it off, you’ll be ok.” I found myself saying things like this to my own kids when they were young, often because I was feeling impatient or I didn’t know how to deal with the situation. I have since learned the importance of taking time to validate emotions, and while it may take some time, it helps kids be more secure in handling their feelings as they further develop.

Dr. John Gottman is proponent of emotion coaching and has provided several resources to help parents learn the technique (Lisitsa, 2023). He defined four types of parents:

1. The Dismissing Parent: tries to distract or prevent negative emotions. Think: here’s a cookie to get your mind off the reason why you’re crying. As a result, children don’t learn regulation
2. The Disapproving Parent: Similar to the dismissive parent, but a bit more cruel and authoritarian. Think: I’ll give you something to cry about if you don’t stop crying. Children might be less likely to show emotion or feel like they are bad if they do, keeping things bottled up.
3. The Laissez-Faire Parent: the permissive-type parent who has little or no boundaries. Offers no direction for regulating or understanding emotions. 
4. And finally, there is the Emotion Coach parent. This is the parent that is going to offer guidance in validating and understanding emotions. They will help the child identify the feeling and learn how to handle the upsetting situations in a healthy manner. 

Coaching our children through their emotions might be new territory for some parents. But it need not be complicated! A simple conversation might go like this:

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Parent (to crying child): You seem upset about having to leave the park right now.

Child: I don’t want to go!

Parent: It is hard to leave when you don’t want to. It can make us feel sad and even angry. Is that what you’re feeling?

Child: Yes!

Parent: That’s ok to feel that way. Would you like to come another day?

Emotion coaching isn’t about placating or bribing. It is about validating feelings and emotions and helping your child feel heard and understood. The above example shows that the parent recognized what the child was feeling and helped her label it. But the parent did not cave in the request that it was time to go and offered another opportunity to play in the future.  Having these clear boundaries along with the chance to express and understand emotions will help the child be more secure in her emotions in the future.

There are many resources available online to help parents know how to implement emotion coaching with their children. This website has a list of several resources for parents. Another great resource is the book I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better by Gary and Joy Lundberg. The most important thing is to practice. 

Be patient with yourself and your children as you learn to communicate through these feelings. Often emotions are running high, but if you can keep your cool, even taking a break to come back when things are less intense, you will become more skilled at helping your children navigate their feelings. A child who feels understood and taught how to handle their emotions will feel more secure in their relationship with their parents. That child will feel nurtured. Like a thriving plant, his roots will run strong and deep, preparing him to handle more difficult emotional situations in his future.

References

Belong Partners. (2023). Understanding and naming feelings and emotions. https://belongpartners.org/resources-by-theme/understanding-and-naming-feelings-and-emotions/?gclid=CjwKCAjwp8OpBhAFEiwAG7NaEnihk83G7sRCjODHQlDUZTGDODlg4VwXECgWRb-Fmo_zH0RRmml2NhoC5uUQAvD_BwE

Dewar, Gwen. (2018). Emotion coaching: helping kids deal with negative feelings. Parenting Science. https://parentingscience.com/emotion-coaching/ 

JRank Organization. (2023). Parenting education: the national model of parenting education. Marriage and Family Encyclopedia. https://family.jrank.org/pages/1247/Parenting-Education-National-Model-Parenting-Education.html

Lisitsa, Ellie. (2023). An introduction to emotion coaching. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/an-introduction-to-emotion-coaching/

Webster, Noah. (1828). Nurture. In American dictionary of the English language. S. Converse.

First Things First

What is the first thing that comes time mind when you think of being a good parent? Maybe it’s bedtime stories, or outings to the part, or teaching values and life skills? According the the National Extension Parent Education Model (NEPEM), care for self is the first of seven focus categories (JRank, 2023). For more information about this model, look here. This was a major takeaway in a parenting skills class I recently took. As a mother of six children, I can vouch that self-care is an essential component of me being the mom I want to be.

When thinking about self-care, you might be envisioning bubble baths or an occasional spa day. While these things are a part of it, self-care can have much more depth. I saw the following meme on social media recently:

While massages and vacations are indeed part of self-care, there are daily things that can contribute to our well-being. Authors Mandy Kienhuis and Elbina Avdagic (2021) defined parental self-care as “anything parents do intentionally…to look after their own health and wellbeing” (What is parental self-care, para 1). It is being proactive in caring for your needs. 

You might be up to your eyeballs in newborn schedules and toddler messes and not even know what your needs are! There are several online tools that can help you assess where you are in your self-care and what you need to prioritize. Focus on the Family is one organization that has a free assessment tools to give you an idea of where to start or what areas in your life might need some extra support. 

Toddler messes can tax the best of us!

A big issue for me to overcome was not feeling like I was being selfish by putting my needs first. It is similar to being on an airplane, though. The instructions are to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping another. It is our natural tendency to help others first, but we can be more useful if we ensure our needs are taken care of and not compromised. 

I have been a mother for 25 years and have become more intuitive with my needs and how to best meet them. I have found the following things to be most effective for my self-care. 

1. Establish bucket-filling activities. For me, this is daily prayer and scripture study. Often times, the only quiet moments were in the early hours of the morning before the kids got up for school. I would try to wake up 30 minutes or so before they did to have the stillness of the morning to study and prepare for the day. Those precious minutes were some of the most inspirational when my kids were little and made getting out of bed a little easier, knowing what I had to look forward to. 
2. Plan a weekly date. Going out with my husband every Friday night is a priority. This is a chance to have a break from the kids, but also a time to focus on each other. We budgeted to pay a sitter for these outings when we had littles, but if your budget is tight, trade with another couple, or put the kids to bed early and carve out some time for each other. I fully believe this practice has not only helped me be a better mother, but helped me and my husband establish a rock-solid relationship by making time for each other. If you are a single mom, having some alone time is just as essential! Prioritize time alone or with friends. Not only is it a break for you, but a break for your kids, too.
3. Maintain hobbies and other interests. It can feel like you are losing you identity when parenting. Maintaining or establishing hobbies can help you feel centered. You are also providing an example for your children and can encourage them to develop their talents and interests as you work on yours. When my kids were younger, card-making was popular. My girls loved to experiment with my supplies to create their own projects as I created mine. 
4. Seek for self-improvement. Learning new and better ways to manage my home and deal with parenting challenges was empowering. I am grateful for the church activities, conferences, webinars, and books that taught me new ideas and helped me become a better person and mother. 
5. Lastly, ask for help! Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you are feeling overwhelmed. I am grateful for the network of people I could turn to. Every mom knows that sometimes you just need an hour to yourself to regroup or even a listening ear for you to vent. Maybe you need help at a deeper level could schedule a visit with an ecclesiastical leader or some therapy sessions with a counselor. There should be no shame in reaching out!

These are just a few suggestions I have found helpful in my life. Knowing how important self-care is for parents is the first step in making it a priority. Hopefully, you are able to now examine your life and see where your self-care could use some attention.

References

Huerta, D. (2023). Self-care for moms is essential. Focus on the Family. https://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/self-care-for-moms-is-essential/ 

JRank Organization. (2023). Parenting education: the national model of parenting education. Marriage and Family Encyclopedia. https://family.jrank.org/pages/1247/Parenting-Education-National-Model-Parenting-Education.html

Kienhuis, M. & Advagic, E. (October, 2021). Parental self-care and self-compassion. Emerging Minds. https://emergingminds.com.au/resources/parental-self-care-and-self-compassion/

Smith, C. A., Cudaback, D., Goddard, H. W., & Myers-Walls, J. (1994). National extension parent education model. Manhattan, Kansas: Kansas Cooperative Extension Service. https://www.k-state.edu/wwparent/nepem/nepem.pdf